There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What a dumb baby whore.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize