So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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