took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Green mimosas i think yes
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My vagina is officially offended.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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