I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
