Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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