he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
