Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
