I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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