how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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