Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize