You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
