mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize