i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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