I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize