i think i have two assholes
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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