this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
