I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sext me about skeletons
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize