Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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