i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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