Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
