The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
