i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
