Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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