i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
