Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
