I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
