If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize