My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
