I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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