If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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