if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
