I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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