Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
