ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He felt like a one man threesome
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
