Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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