did you get engaged???
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
