Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
