I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Reggie can tackle my bush.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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