I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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