just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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