I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
