I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
