How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
