Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
