Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
