It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They took my balls.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
