sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
