I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize