May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
