i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
