I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
