i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
