You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
