im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
