You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
How's work?
Spinning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
