My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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