FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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