Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize