You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
True strength comes from lack of pants
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
