: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
