College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
