I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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